Mister Monday's Movie Mutterings

Priest [2011]

So this girl gets kidnapped by vampires. Her father (ironically played by Stephen Moyer) is injured from fighting with the vampires and hence tells her boyfriend Hicks (what a name, played by Cam Gigandet… yet another ‘what a name’) to go find this Priest (Paul Bettany) who can get her back because he is badass.

Now these ‘priest’s are not your typical oh holy father, holy water tinkling old fogies. They are people, with an exceptionally unfortunate facial tattoo, specially trained to combat the physically-advanced vampires of the world.

That’s all you really need to know about the movie. Nothing much else really matters. The plot is impossibly basic and nothing truly surprises you.

The movie however, gains so much points in its visual elements (or the mise en scène for those of you pretentious ones, like me) that it is hard to not recommend watching this movie. The dystopian future that the movie portrays is one that is strangely emotionless and gray through and through. Everything is computerized, including confessionals (yes, computerized confessionals), which further adds to the detachedness and coldness of the society the movie is set in. There is no sunlight (don’t really know why), ash and dust is everywhere and nothing seems overtly efficient despite technological advancements. The result is a nice juxtaposition of the old and new which will definitely please the steampunk (… cyberpunk? I don’t know, I’m not that big of a geek) fans out there.

The society is also run by a church, which seems to be a euphemism for a socialism. The religious undertones are kept minimal, being taken over instead by a political facade. So those of you naughty children who are anti-christianity can relax and go watch it anyways.

Acting was passable, if only because of good casting. The choices for the clinical and emotionally-retarded Priests were perfect. There are no actors I know more emotionless than Paul Bettany and Maggie Q. Fight scenes were very, very cool and beautifully shot. Sets were amazing. Costumes were amazing (man if real-life Priests and Priestesses wore those… Hallelujah!). Visually, this movie is a treat.

Those of you who want to watch a movie that is mentally-engaging and smart and has lot of plot-twists will have better luck watching another movie. Priest is kind of like expensive porn - plotless but classy and beautiful, yet that seems to be the whole point. Not that I would know that much about porn of course. Ahem.

Rating: 8/10 (Yes, the visuals are THAT good.)

I Am Number Four [2011]

So this alien boy (Alex Pettyfer) gets sent to earth to seek solace from all the nasty bad guys (known as Mogadorians) that destroyed his home planet (Lorien). In total, nine of them escaped and of course they are numbered like cattle going to the slaughterhouse (how convenient).

The nasty bad guys find out where they are and thus decide that they want to kill these nine children (such a surprise). Then the running begins.

The movie does leave out a few details that are quite important for you to fully understand the movie. Firstly, these nine children are protected by some sort of charm that allows them to only be killed in order. So the whole numbering thing is not just for inventory. The bad guys are not killing them in order just because they have a strange case of OCD.

Secondly, these nine children have powers (each unique to them), but their counterparts don’t. This is why they’re such special snowflakes deserving of the inter-world massacre.

Now that you’re all caught up, here’s what I think of the movie. It’s mildly juvenile. It’s understandable, since the movie is presumably targeted at teenagers, some of the events in the movie just make the whole thing feel like a cartoon. I’m supposed to believe that? Oh okay, let me leave my common sense at the door.

For example, one of the characters of the movie eventually decide to run away with alien boy to find the other aliens around the world. Keep in mind these guys are supposedly high school kids. And somehow their parents don’t care about them disappearing?

There’s also this guy that antagonizes our lead at the start of the movie. He carries on doing this till the very end of the movie, where he suddenly decides “hey, I hated you because you were a freak but now that I know you’re an alien, I should stop hating you and stuff because I realize our differences make the world go round”.

Or something equally barf-inducing.

The movie also has a problem of feeling like an incomplete series. It’s like they’ve skipped a few episodes here and there which creates this jerky pace. Suddenly someone dies. Suddenly he falls in love. There’s not enough preparation which makes it feel rushed and anti-climactic. So while you’re trying to figure out “why is that person dead!”, alien guy is already busy smooching up and giving some girl some loving. It’s all very disconcerting.

Awkward pacing and juvenile logic aside, the movie has some of the best fight scenes I’ve ever seen. The effects and the amazing stunts combine to make the most beautiful fighting you’ll ever watch in a teen-targeted movie. It’s unabashedly cool and purely entertaining. That’s really the only reason why I would recommend you watch this Nickelodeon after school special and the only reason why I’m giving it this rating.

P.S: The movie isn’t funny at all either.

Rating: 6/10

The Roommate [2011]

I think this movie would sell better if it had been named “The Crazy Lesbian Movie”.

But that’s just me.

So basically, this girl Sara (Minka Kelly) moves into her dorm with this other girl Rebecca (Leighton Meester). Rebecca goes all incognito-lesbian on her and does insane things in her misguided sense of being a good (girl)friend.

I honestly don’t think the storyline is bad. However, lack of proper pacing and editing makes the movie collapse like a house of cards. It was supposed to be a thriller you say? Well, it’s as scary as a bag of Cheetos. Nothing sounds like a thriller should (none of that heart-thumping, suspenseful music) and there aren’t any JUMP-OUT-OF-NOWHERE moments to shock you out of your perpetual state of awaiting something to happen.

I’m not the kind who goes to the movies to hate a movie. Movies are supposed to be fun and simple entertainment. And if it fails in doing that, then I believe you should find another way to entertain yourself while watching the movie (boy that sounded really wrong). As such, here’s a strategy to make The Roommate much more watchable: watch it as a comedy.

I knew the reviews of the movie going into the cinema, hence I was fully prepared for a terrible thriller. I decided it would be best to just laugh at how bad everything was, and after a while it worked. The movie was a true hilarious trainwreck of a thriller. That made the movie much better.

Having said that, I guess it would be nice of me to tell you if you’re getting your money’s worth if you’re just watching this for a certain star. Here’s the breakdown:

Nina Dobrev: Nope, not worth it at all. She has three lines. If I’m not wrong, she says eight words in total. Eight. They just took her docile character from The Vampire Diaries and transplanted her here. She looks like she got lost and went to the wrong set and they decided to let her say something on camera anyways.

Danneel Harris: Worth it. She has a lesbian kiss scene. And she gets tied to a bed. It made me more excited than I should be.

Cam Gigandet: It’s jee-gon-day if you didn’t know by now, and yes it’s worth it to watch the movie for him. His aw-shucks good boyfriend routine was thoroughly adorable.

Of course if you’re watching for any of the two female leads (Minka Kelly and Leighton Meester if you’ve already forgotten, it’s okay it’s understandable) then it’d definitely be worth it. Leighton Meester looks especially convincing as a crazy psychotic bitch. It’s her eyes I’m telling you.

All that said and done, remember: this is not a thriller. You’ll thank me.

Ratings:
As a thriller: 1/10
As an accidental comedy: 7/10
In general: 5/10

Thor [2011]

An immortal (whose name is Thor) of another realm is about to be crowned king of his realm (Asgard) when shit happens and the coronation is disrupted and Thor does not get to be king. So he throws a bitch fit and goes to this other realm (Yodenheim) and smashes things up and then his father gets angry at him throwing a bitch fit and banishes him to the worst place of all the realms - Earth. And his father had the audacity of taking away his magical hammer too!

I guess we Earthlings should feel a bit insulted at this point but we’re magnanimous. We’ll let that slide.

So the entire movie is about Thor trying to get his hammer back and trying to go back home.

However, you’ll have to trust me when I say it is the best movie I’ve watched this year. And I’ve watched plenty, I can assure you.

Thor boasts an extremely likable cast which made what would have been a basic movie totally worth watching. Chris Hemsworth (as Thor) manages to pull off both being extremely arrogant and annoying at the beginning of the movie before becoming a chivalrous and endearing hero towards the end.

The movie is never too serious, and is constantly peppered with comic moments that make it all the more fun to watch. Kat Dennings (as Darcy) provides many of these and I am a new fan.

It’s a pretty typical superhero movie but that said, I loved the ending of the movie (I found it both apt and realistic). You might not be familiar with the hero (heck, I know I sure as hell wasn’t) but you’ll grow to love him anyways. It’s a must-watch but give the 3D version a miss - nothing about it was 3D save for a few flying debris.

Rating: 10/10

Source Code [2011]

Well this guy, goes back in time (but it’s not time, not really, more like an echo of time, or more like he is sort of like time and people are just resetting him and bombing him over and over to screw with him) and saves the world.

Yep, that’s all. That’s what Source Code is all about.

The feeling I got after walking out from the cinema was conflicted. I found nothing wrong with the movie, but somehow I just don’t like it as much as I think I should. If the movie had ended at a different point (the um, freezing point, cough), I might have liked it much much better. Instead, the ending made the movie feel all too easy on the audience. It almost feels like, dare I say, a Disney animation. Guy fights crime, guy meets girl, guy saves girl, the live happily ever after. Just change the crime-fighting to crime-committing and you’ll have a watered-down version of Aladdin.

Nonetheless, Jake Gyllenhaal continues to impress with his decent acting and that is always worth watching. Source Code is by no means 2011’s Inception (or at least I hope not), but you’re spending good money by giving it a look.

Rating: 8/10

Law Abiding Citizen [2009]

If there is anything to be learned from this movie, it is not to be a lawyer. Crazy people who are unhappy with the results of trials will hunt you down and make your life hell.

That’s basically what Law Abiding Citizen is about in a nutshell. Due to flaws in the justice system, one of the murderers of this dude’s (Gerard Butler) wife and child will go to jail for only a few years before being set free. Gerard Butler, being Gerard Butler, set out to take matters into his own hands.

So he goes batshit crazy, naked in one scene which seems to be just a gratuitous show of Gerard Butler’s body and everyone panics like there’s a white bread shortage.

But overall, the movie was tight and fast-paced. It starts off dramatically and the action just doesn’t stop for very long. I guess it’s sort of strange when you end up rooting for the bad guy, but that’s just how it is.

Finally, one of the two main characters die, and it wasn’t the one I was hoping for. Nonetheless, it was a very good movie, one that would be a challenge to fall asleep watching.

Rating: 9/10

Blue Valentine [2010]

Blue Valentine is a movie about this couple, and how their relationship progresses and breaks down over the years.

And yep, that’s pretty much it. There’s no climax, nothing exceptionally sexy. It’s just like real life. It tends to be a little boring.

While I can appreciate how the acting seems to be considered “phenomenal” all around, but still the movie fails to interest or engage me even on the most basic of levels. I guess this is how being a Psychiatrist feels like, people telling you their insignificant life problems when you don’t really care.

It’s not particularly romantic, neither are the obstacles faced by the couple exceptionally traumatizing. It is a thoroughly average movie; you’d get the same effect stalking the couple next door for a day or two.

Acting is quite good actually, if the motive was to create such an intense feeling of antipathy towards the main characters. Don’t watch with your lover and expect this to be a romantic evening on the couch, you might end up quarreling just to pass the time.

Rating: 6/10

Ocean’s Eleven [2001];
Ocean’s Twelve [2004];
Ocean’s Thirteen [2007]

I’ve never watched the Ocean’s series and so I watched all three of them at once. I really wished I stopped at just the first one.

The movies are basically about a bunch of con artists carrying out robberies and burglaries on a massive scale.

While Ocean’s Eleven was quite smart, quite funny and quite an entertaining watch, both Ocean’s Twelve and Thirteen were too much of the same, yet the cons carried out were nowhere near as impressive as the first. I had to watch Thirteen in 3 separate viewings. Ocean’s Twelve had Julia Roberts being a conwoman acting as - you got it - Julia Roberts. While mildly funny, it just makes you wonder how little material they had to have to resort to such gimmicks.

Just watch Ocean’s Eleven and then pretend that they went on to carry out two more amazing robberies/burglaries. You’d feel more satisfied than I was. And we all know I’m here to satisfy you. *cough*

Ratings:
Ocean’s Eleven: 7/10
Ocean’s Twelve: 6/10
Ocean’s Thirteen: 5/10

The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists
by Neil Strauss

Basically the book teaches you techniques on how to get women to fuck you. And the shit that happens to you if you get too into the game. It revolves around a bunch of average guys (aka AFCs or Average Frustrated Chumps) and their transformation to PUAs (pickup artists) and finally social robots (programmed PUAs that all use the same techniques and lines).

It is definitely an intriguing book but the barrage of the techniques in the middle portion of the book tend to get a bit overwhelming (and thus, boring). Just plow  through that (it’s a recommended technique in the book too) and you should merge the other side satisfied. It is well-written, entertaining and surprisingly not heartless. It is a strange world to find out about, and it leaves you feeling more cynical about the interactions you have with people on a daily basis. Approach with caution.

Rating: 8/10

The Secret Lives of Men and Women: A PostSecret Book
by Frank Warren

I got this at a book fair, it was ridiculously cheap. I was tres excited.

The secrets therein are not bad. I won’t be an emo kid and say that I can relate to so many of them, because I can’t. But nonetheless, the voyeur in me was very satisfied when I devoured all them secrets.

The Eagle [2011]

I just typed that 7 times because Tumblr was conspiring with my fingers against me.

The Eagle is about this Roman dude, who wants to uphold the honor of his family (yawning yet?) by going to some faraway, ooh, dangerous land to retrieve a golden eagle statue (you can yawn now).

In the process, he saves a slave. (rhyming! I should be a writer, I’m so talented.) The slave hates him. He drags the slave to the faraway, very dangerous land. Shit happens. They fight with all sorts of people. Horse-riding happens a lot. They get the eagle thingy back. The slave and him become good friends magically.

If you thought that entire block of text made the movie sound unimpressive? That’s because it IS unimpressive. The story moves too slowly, you can’t find it in yourself to care about the stupid eagle statue and there’s virtually little to none of that bromance that was supposed to happen between the slave and the Roman. All in all, you’re just left very disconnected from the movie.

The friend I went to watch the movie with fell asleep. I kept watching only because the gay couple beside me were making hilarious statements throughout the movie. (When Channing Tatum appeared shirtless, one of the two let out a nervous gasp. And they tittered excitedly when Jamie Bell appeared. “That’s Jamie Bell! That’s Jamie Bell! But he’s so young is it wrong to like him?”)

I wouldn’t recommend watching it. Unless you’re gay, then probably Jamie Bell is worth the watch, I really wouldn’t know.

Rating: 5/10 (I know right, I make it sound horrible and give it a 5. I’m so generous.)

Limitless [2011]

I probably had much too high expectations of the movie before I watched it. By watching the trailer alone, you’ve essentially watched the entire movie.

The storyline is as the poster says - What if a pill could make you rich and powerful? We find out. It isn’t much. It involves a lot of running, which doesn’t look too fun. But I guess I would rather run in glamorous expensive clothes than in rags.

Bradley Cooper isn’t particularly impressive in the movie. He just acts like a confident guy who speaks a lot of languages badly (that Chinese conversation is probably the highlight of the movie). I guess that doesn’t take much.

The movie in itself isn’t horrible, for sure, but don’t expect to walk out of the cinema with your life changed. After all, such life-changing moments apparently only happens with pills in movies. And life ain’t a movie.

Rating: 6/10